Not like cold/flu blahness. That was last Friday.

[Long journal ahead! Please read it if you actually care about my bitching, lol]

I have, quite sadly, hit rock bottom. I'm a jobless college student, clicking ads for fractions of a cent to make any money i can to both feed my internet addiction (lol you guys know what i'm talking about) and pass the time while waiting for any responses from the MANY MANY job applications I have submitted all over the dang place. Also, I should be doing homework now. FML.

I caught myself clicking through a list of 74 ads, each worth around $0.0003, or 3/100 of a cent, just so I could get some credits towards advertising a site i signed up to in order to get referrals, which (if they click ads like I was, that is) would earn me money on commissions for their clicking. Yes, it's all very, very confusing, and ridiculously stupid. But I was doing it anyways, since I'm that desperate. What I would give to have a job. :c

Then, for the first time ever, I thought about opening commissions here on dA or even on MangaBullet. Even though drawing hasn't been a big part of my time consumption (since, well, I don't have much time to mess with, despite being jobless), I think it's a reasonable thought. Looking on my past patterns of behavior, I can only help but notice that I try to do everything, and learn about EVERYTHING, and be an expert on eeeeeeverything I do. I think this comes from the fact that I was very emotionally disturbed in highschool.. like, my convictions and the things that I thought just to be facts of life were questioned and demolished, leaving me a shell of the student I was. I wanted to keep my composure while I was going crazy, so I just made everyone think I was smart. I mean, people used to call me smart all the time even before highschool, because I had good grades. In highschool, I couldn't even understand what friendship felt like anymore, let alone keep my grades as good as they were before.

I think I just need to chillax and find my niche. Drawing is something I could rarely enjoy in highschool, since I always thought way too much about what others thought of me (and therefore, my art). Going to an all male highschool kind of changes things like that. Now that I'm in college, I guess the hormone imbalance has been restored (lol), and I'm slowly becoming socially comfy again, drawing more often, and trying to ignore the anxiety problems that spawned from all this crap.

It'll take me awhile, but I hope to get to the point where I can offer commissions so I can get myself out of community college and into a UC or CSU.

...that felt kinda nice :3